I am a Clown

Listen to me, I am not talking to you! I am not talking to you at all. I am not arguing with you, I am not having a discussion with you, I am telling you what other people think. 

I am an idiot. I am a clown. I was a professional standup comedian for no time at all, because I’m not funny enough to succeed! I’ve quit or been fired from every job I’ve ever had within 2 years. I’ve been ostracized from more friend groups than I can count because I am not a good person! I’m a moron!

But I am in my library. 

When I was 18 I tattooed the first lines of Chapter 56 of the Tao on my back. One who speaks, does not know. One who knows, does not speak. That is why I am not talking to you. That is why I am an idiot. Because I talk for a living!

But I am in my library. 

How big is your ego? How fucking smart do you think you are? Do you think you are making a new argument? Do you really think you are the first person to have the thought you are sharing? Do you think no one, in the history of people, has ever written down what you are saying right now?

Why in God’s name do you think you are that fucking smart. Why would you ever think you have something important to say? You are just as dumb as I am! You are not serious. You are just as much of a clown as I am. I am just willing to honk my nose proudly. I am a clown because we are all clowns. 

Why would you share a thought St. Augustine had if I have Hobbes disagreeing with him? Why would you tell me what Kierkegaard thought when I have Frederick Douglass? Why would you tell me anything if I already have it in a book from a billion years ago? 

Who cares what you think, Maugham has something to say! Who cares what you think, Maya Angelou exists! Who cares what you think, Lao Tse is fucking old! Who cares what you think, Heinlein said it because he was a fascist!

Who cares what you think, Kesey already told you why they failed! Who fucking cares what you have to say! Tell me about mental illness Kay Redfield Jameson. Tell me about Maine Sarah Orne Jewett. Tell me about the south Kate Chopin. Tell me about the stars Brian Cox.

Tell me everything Audre Lorde. Tell me everything Gil Scot Heron. Tell me everything W.E.B. Dubois. I am an idiot. 

You and I can shut the fuck up! There are people who told you everything you need to know. There are books with everything you have said, every rebuttal I could make, everything that humanity has learned in our entire span and you and I know nothing. I am a fool. 

We are all fools! 

Do you see Lebron James? Are you as good at basketball as he is? Should you be giving him advice? 

My now wife took me to a destination wedding at a campsite in Maine. I spent a weekend in a camp site made for smaller people who may like Jesus or Yahweh or be “into the woods”. There were, of course, professional camp counselors and cooks and such onsite. 

One night, a group of adult men were gathered around an unlit fire, attempting to light it not unlike cavemen unsure of where lightning comes from. There was a professional camp person, a person extremely familiar with camps and, of course, lighting campfires. 

I will shorten the story like so, she was a woman. The rest you can figure out on your own.

You and I are dumb. Stop listening to yourself. We don’t know anything. Think of what you’re going to say before you say it, then type it word for word into any sort of search engine, I swear to you, you will find someone from the past saying it. Then, I swear to you, you will find someone from later one saying something better. Then, I swear to you, if you type in the exact words they wrote, then you will find someone saying something better.

But if you look into your arguments,... you are going to find a lot of Nazis!

Listen to Audre Lorde, don’t listen to yourself. The instinct we were born with in this society is to cleave towards the safety of strength, the safety of the group. But when the group is led by a cancer, there is no safety in that group. You are not safe in the group of people making your argument. You are always under threat. 

Don’t listen to them! Don’t listen to yourself! At the very least we can all agree with Lao Tse when he said -

people sure have been unhappy for a long time, haven’t they?